Constructive Conversations: Rebuilding Communication in ADHD Partnerships

Relationship Lessons from my Dog

I used to have a large sheep flock and at one time I had three working Border Collies. Finn, Moss & Gwen. Gwen is now long retired and lives quietly with me here on the Isle of Wight. Finn & Moss are sadly no longer with me.

The love, trust and companionship of my dogs has been a constant in my life for 25 years and whilst I could wax lyrical about my sheep farming days and its simple and rustic charm I wanted to share some key learnings that I think are very relevant to the ADHD experience.

The first is an easy lesson in time perception. Dogs simply perceive time in the classic ‘now, not now’ frame that is often a part of ADHD. There’s ‘now’, as in right now, this very second, and there is ‘not now’ as in things that happened in the past. I don’t know what the long term memory recall of a dog is but I’m convinced that there is an emotional aspect to memories themselves and our abilities to recall them.  I think this creates a memory narrative and probably explains why my memory has sizable holes in it or that memories can become distorted over time. My dogs certainly developed great memories during their working lives but I don’t think that, unlike us, they have much of a concept of the future.

The second, and probably the most valuable lesson is one around the idea of emotional expression. A dog feels what it feels and expresses itself with almost total honesty, immediately. What you see is what you get. They express what they feel. Few people can come close to matching the emotional honesty of a dog.

I very rarely disciplined any of my dogs physically beyond taking a hold of the flesh under the muzzle, looking them in the eyes and growling at them to let them know I was displeased. Or tapping them on the top of the muzzle by way of suggesting a rethink. This was all rarely necessary since usually it was me that was at fault. It was mainly being leaned on or nuzzled by my usually filthy, often wet and sometimes stinking canine work buddies. Since I was usually wet, filthy and stinking too this was all jolly companionable and bucolic.

But you can forget any thought of ‘One Man and His Dog’. Oh No! It’s either tears of joy or tears of frustration. Usually with a lot of shouting and some very choice language. Which is a problem, because you soon learn how to project your voice. I farmed on a hillside above a village and community harmony is not improved by the sound of ‘No Come Bye, Come Bye - Oh for F%^ks sake you bloody dog’ at 7am on any otherwise beautiful Sunday morning. The locals were probably choking on their cornflakes.

And now back to our theme after my sudden bout of nostalgia. 

Emotional expression requires trust and things start to get complicated when we anticipate the responses of other people. Of course, we want to be honest and kind yet unambiguous and usually day-to-day this isn’t too much of a problem. But it can really become a problem if one of two things happens. Or much worse both.

Emotional expression requires trust and things start to get complicated when we anticipate the responses of other people. Of course, we want to be honest and kind yet unambiguous and usually day-to-day this isn’t too much of a problem. But it can really become a problem if one of two things happens. Or much worse both.

The first of those things is responding to the response instead of the stimulus. 

Here’s an example of responding to the response;

Anna - ‘Look at that beautiful yacht’.

James - ‘How could you like such an ugly tub?’

Instead of responding to the stimulus itself;

Fran - ‘Look at that beautiful yacht’.

David - ‘I think that boat is an ugly tub’.

Responding to the response by James in the first example is actually a value judgment on Anna. It questions Anna’s judgment. In the second example David is responding to the yacht and not to Fran. His judgment is one on the boat and not on his companion. 

David’s response is healthy. James’ response is not.

The second ‘thing’ is when this plays out with, or includes, big and important values and emotions. Like trust, loyalty, anger, shame, guilt, respect, honour, love etc.. In these situations responding to the response can quickly become supercharged, toxic and destructive. Personal boundaries are going to be seriously challenged. The beautiful yacht? Suppose Anna responds to James’ response about her aesthetic judgment? Stimulus, response, response to response, response to response response, you get the idea. The boat is going to get quickly forgotten while Anna and James have an argument based on point scoring and personal insults. Probably followed by tears and pro-level sulking. Relationship happiness is not going to be an outcome here. An encore is probable. 

In our personal relationships we often risk making the mistake of judging the person and not the action and the habits and relationship dynamics that can result can quickly become corrosive. Relationships where this type of response is common are almost always unhealthy and usually toxic. Expect conflict and unhappiness. Unlearning these kinds of communication dynamics can be difficult and requires both partners to work together on it. I can recommend Melissa Orlov’s book on ADHD & Marriage which contains a great deal of insight into ADHD impacted relationships, married or otherwise.

If you’re working on this stuff together with your partner, firstly congratulations to you both for wanting to work on it, and secondly some friendly advice. Maybe read the chapter about constructive conversations first? More importantly sit and read the book together by which I mean read a page, a paragraph or even just a sentence to your partner and then discuss it together. Set aside private time together to do this. You’ll learn a lot together and you’ll develop ways to use your learning to support each other in developing better and more constructive ways of communicating. A healthier, more fulfilling relationship will be the result. You’ll both need to put what you’ve learned into practice and support each other in developing better communication habits. 

There are many books about ADHD and relationships. I can also recommend Gina Pera’s book Is It You, Me or Adult ADHD from personal experience. 

If you decide on relationship counseling or coaching to support you on your journey back towards healthy communication make sure that the person you choose can work within the ADHD context and don’t take their word for it. Ask about their experience of working with ADHD impacted relationships. It’s a specialist niche. It needs a specialist and you both need to give yourselves the best chance of success. Coaches and therapists, within this field, are few and far between. I personally know a couple that I can recommend. Send me a message on my contact form at the bottom of this page and I’ll point you their way.

As an additional resource to learn into this and gain some alternative perspectives try Mark Manson’s website. I’ve been reading a lot of his output recently. I like his writing style and I like the alternative take he has on emotions and relationships. He is well read, considered and insightful. You might find a lot that could be useful there. If nothing else, it’ll make you pause long enough to think about how you communicate with your partner.