Unlocking Self-Awareness: Essential Steps in Managing ADHD
THE ADHD RESTAURANT AND HOW HAVING A MENU HELPS US MANAGE
One of the most important aspects of managing ADHD is developing greater self-awareness about where we may hit challenges and what we need to do to support ourselves.
This can be a substantial ADHD challenge in itself since it requires - foresight, planning, organisation and probably most importantly of all and often overlooked - permission from ourselves to make our own lives easier.
I’m writing this right now, and I know I can better focus my writing powers with a few easy supports. A little soft background music on the speakers. Muting my phone so I can’t be distracted. Not having my emails open on the PC. Writing using the laptop because the keyboard has a better ‘feel’. My writing output may not be the best I can do today, but I have done my best to set myself up for success.
Whatever the task, it often helps to set us up for success by asking ourselves the simple question; ‘while I’m doing this task it would help me if…’
Whilst we can put simple supports in place before and during specific tasks we also need a ‘menu’ of strategies to manage the bigger picture. There are often hidden obstacles, such as;
The Paradox of Self Care - This paradox says that the more we need self-care, the less inclined we are to prioritise it. Often we lack the self-awareness to recognise that we are neglecting our own self-care needs ‘in the moment’ although we may notice that over time that we are spending less time looking after ourselves. Notice when you do less of the things that either bring you joy or bring you feelings of calm and contentment. Then ask yourself why.
Self-compassion - ‘Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise. Self-compassion is something a lot of people struggle with to some degree, but for those with ADHD it can be especially hard. It is, I firmly believe, the foundation stone for beginning to manage ADHD effectively. From a coaching perspective, this foundation stone has the words ‘Start Here’ firmly engraved on it. Kristen Neff has done much pioneering work on self-compassion, and I highly recommend her website For a ‘quick dip’ into the topic, check out her TED talk
Expectations - Another barrier is what we perceive as being others’ expectations of our performance. Either because we think that others will think we are underperforming when it comes to their expectations, or, because we have determined our own performance expectations and then put ourselves under pressure to meet them. When the self-imposed pressure increases or meeting our expectations begins to feel more difficult, we redouble our efforts to meet these expectations. It’s a vicious cycle that severely limits our ability to prioritise our self-care needs when we need to. Those that find themselves in these expectation/performance deficits are often almost perpetually overwhelmed. Normality for them means living almost constantly in the borderlands of burnout.
Permission - Some clients are self-aware enough to understand when they need to prioritise their self-care but find it emotionally uncomfortable to give themselves permission to put themselves first. It just feels wrong. Often they are used to prioritising the needs of others before themselves aka ‘people pleasers’. Putting themselves first feels counterintuitive. This is a learned behaviour and can be the result of low self-esteem. It can, however, be unlearned by determining new behaviours and ‘testing’ them, getting more comfortable with them and building new habits as a result. This permission problem is often intertwined with expectations, and coaching around what is reasonable to expect of ourselves is often very helpful in developing a healthier narrative.
Needs - People pleasing usually means putting the needs of others before our own. Often this means considering the needs of others without stopping to consider our own needs at all or dismissing our needs as of far lesser importance. In reality, our needs are no less important than those of the people around us, and we forget that our ability to look after them entirely depends on our ability to look after ourselves. If the plane hits turbulence, your oxygen mask goes on first before you help those around you.
One of the things that have been the focus of a couple of recent coaching sessions has been the issues of overwhelm and emotional exhaustion. This is where our menu is most important and often where clients need to do development work.
We need to have ways to return to equilibrium, balance and harmony. We need to find ways to refill the emotional or cognitive fuel tank. For those that are highly sensitive or emotionally intense, this is especially important when it comes to emotional processing. The truth is that unless we have a decent menu of strategies and go-to’s, our stress levels will not reduce, and we are in danger of the slide towards emotional burnout. Prevention, my friends, is oh so much better than cure. The recovery can be long and slow. For more on this, try this article from help guide.
It takes good self-awareness and the development of the habit of ‘checking in with ourselves’ to join together the warning signs of exhaustion. We need to ask ourselves; ‘how am I really?’, ‘What do I need less of / more of right now?’
The warning signs are these;
Sleep- changes in sleep pattern, difficulty falling asleep, difficulty waking, and disturbed sleep. When we are stressed, we often sleep in a state of hypervigilance. This is a psychological state of stress. It’s the readiness for a fight, flight, freeze response. As a result, our sleep patterns are interrupted and altered. We sleep less deeply, and we are more likely to wake feeling that we have had a poor night. This adds physical exhaustion to our list of symptoms, increases the impact of executive function challenges and undermines our ability to manage ourselves effectively.
Eating - often, our habits around food and eating change. We eat less well, or our meal times become irregular. We may tend towards the ‘quick fix’ instant meal or become more prone to snacking. Before long, we feel less well and less inclined to eat sensibly, which only helps to embed our new eating habits.
Mood - checking in with and understanding how we feel, perhaps using an emotions wheel, is an essential part of self-care. Often our emotions are ‘cloudy’. We may feel a range of emotions, some of which may appear to contradict each other, and the cloud can change shape as different emotions become more dominant and then recede. It can take quite some time for our emotions to settle and reach a point where we can use them constructively to determine our future actions and our way forward and respond accordingly.
When it comes to building a ‘menu’ of strategies a great place to start is with the concept of ‘glimmers’.
Glimmers are the small moments when our biology is in a place of connection or regulation - We feel safe and calm.
These aren’t expansive moments of joy or connection but micro moments. They are the opposites to Triggers - which are a signal of potential threat. You’ve probably heard of the fight or flight response? American physiologist, Walter Cannon, was the one to coin the term FIGHT-FLIGHT after realising that an unconscious and automatic series of fast-acting reactions occurred inside the body to help assemble resources the body needs to manage threatening circumstances.
In the years since his research, physiologists and psychologists have developed and refined Cannon's work, coming to a better understanding of how people react to threats.
Thus defining what is now called fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Our Biology is primed to recognize the bad so teaching our brain to notice the glimmers is important.
What are some kinds of glimmers?
Cosy blankets
Being in Nature
Dancing in the kitchen whilst cooking
Humming
Singing in the car
A favourite Scent
Being able to notice these moments is key. Your body and your brain do too. To learn more about Glimmers, Read The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana
In conclusion, managing ADHD requires a multifaceted approach that encompasses self-awareness, self-compassion, setting realistic expectations, giving ourselves permission to prioritise self-care, and recognizing our own needs. By developing greater self-awareness, we can identify the challenges we face and implement supportive strategies to overcome them. It is crucial to create a menu of strategies that address both immediate tasks and the bigger picture, considering hidden obstacles such as the paradox of self-care and the impact of external expectations. Additionally, understanding the importance of glimmers - small moments of connection and regulation - can help us build resilience and prevent emotional exhaustion. By embracing self-awareness and integrating effective self-care practices, individuals with ADHD can enhance their well-being and empower themselves to navigate life with greater success.